I'm Releasing A Spoken-Word Album

I often add snarky comments in movie theaters, usually not audible enough for others to hear. Nonetheless, I'm always conscious of those who dislike talking in theaters. When I sent my buddy Harold a link to an article about a man who shot another man in a theater when one would not stop talking, the following ensued:

Emeric: I - I should be quiet in theaters.

Harold: I can see you getting shot at the theater. But I see you being on stage, not in the audience.

Emeric: The sad part is, you're not the first person to say that in reaction to the article.

Harold: Well, what can I say? You're a big chunk of ham in the Hallal theater.

It's true.

Conan The Librarian, Et Al

Kieran and I often make culinary decisions by committee. It doesn't always work out well, but we're usually on the same wavelength. That became apparent while making dinner:

Emeric: What should we have for dinner?

Kieran: How about pasta.

Emeric: And what should we put on the pasta?

Kieran: Vodka Sauce.

Emeric: And what should we put in the Vodka Sauce?

Kieran: More Vodka.

Emeric:[As Nixon] Ah-rooo.

This isn't always the case, as when Kieran kindly attempted to minister to me while I was ill.

Kieran: Good news! I've fashioned you a poultice!

Emeric: [Groggily] Oh dear.

Kieran: It's made of the herbs and spices we have in the rack. Basil. Oregano. In fact, about half of it is just "Italian Spices."

Emeric: How is this different than an italian sauce?

Kieran: Fewer tomatoes.

Emeric: This is going to end with me in the bathtub dunking myself with the pasta sauce, isn't it?

Thankfully, it did not.

From Idle Hands

Witty repartees have filled many an IM conversation as of late.

Emeric: Well, how's it going?

Kieran: Just fine. I studied this morning and then did lunch with Natalie and Matt. I told Natalie it's now her job to find suitable dates (of the women variety, though I suppose the fruit variety would be good too, though actual fruits, not the gay ones) for you.

Emeric: Ah, thank you for clarifiying the fruit issue. I was ... very worried about halfway through that sentence. On the other hand, I do enjoy dried apricots.

While discussing a legal issue in the news .

Kieran: There's a headline on the Startribune that says "NFL successfully removes case to the federal court." Which is rather onionesque if you understand law - akin to "lawyer successfully completes sentance, manages to write it down and hand it in."

And discussing ideas for a firm

Kieran: We should start a law firm that specializes in doing its oral arguments in musical form.

Rogers & Hammerstien, LLP.

Emeric: If that isn't a Gay Firm, it's going to be shortly.

Kieran: And the law market in San Fransisco is terrible right now.

Emeric: No, no, foreclosures are through the roof! The motto can be "We'll get your house for a song!"

I Know Kung Fu!

While watching a preview for the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still:

Kieran: Why did they have to cast Keanu Reaves?

Emeric: What are you talking about? It's a great choice for the dead-pan alien from another world with the super-powered robot who is actually the master capable of destroying the world!

[An awkward pause ensued.]

Emeric: That or it's just a poorly marketed Bill and Ted remake.

On Chinese Royalty

While watching the Curse of the Golden Flower, a Chinese movie about intrigue in the Imperial Court, set in the gaudy Forbidden Palace:

Kieran: If I ever get such a palace, I'm not going to paint it in every color of the rainbow.

Emeric: Kieran, be honest.

Kieran: Alright, only half the rainbow.

Emeric [in a very foppish voice]: Yes, none of the gay colors, none of the BIV stuff.

It's not as compelling a movie as I would have hoped.

Thank God Nixon Doesn't Call

While play Apples to Apples, Emeric was deciding which better qualifies for the word "Idiotic," Richard Nixon or Telemarketers. I won victory with proper framing if the issue

Kieran: Well, Nixon was a crook on one hand, but on the other Nixon doesn't call you during dinner.

and he doesn't.

For Insurance Reasons . . .

Insurance law sparked a moment of creativity

Kieran: For liability reasons I suggest you phrase your threats as "I'm gonna go negligent on your ass" or "I'm going to open up a big can of breach-of-the-duty-of-reasonable-care on you."

Emeric: Done and done

It's Funny 'Cause We're Kind Of Liberal

Kieran [After asked for some money]: Let me check if I have any change. He checks his pockets. Nope. All I've got is change you can believe in.

That's good ... I guess? The following came during a discussion of whether Kieran's girlfriend would come hang out tomorrow night:

Emeric: She's welcome to come over and hang out, if you don't think I'll cramp your style. Which I do. Constantly. On Purpose.

And I do!

It's Our Only Solution: Firearms.

We're watching television when it suddenly gets really fuzzy.

Emeric: Go fiddle with the rabbit ears, would you?

Kieran doesn't move. The picture fades back in and becomes clearer.

Emeric: Good work.

Earlier, in a non-sequiter of epic proportions:

Kieran: You know, we really don't commit enough crimes.*

Emeric: You know, you really don't bake enough pies.

Kieran: I bought a pie. It's in the fridge.

Emeric: I'll be in the fridge. Hold my calls.

*Neither member of the conspiracy has committed or intends to commit any criminal activity nor does the conspiracy endorse criminal activity of any kind.

Another In A Line Of Our Fantastic Ideas

When late-night discussions run on a bit too long:

Kieran: We should start a funk band!

Emeric: That's a great idea! With your lack of rythm and my lack of musical talent, we'd be great!

Kieran: We could call it Big Poppa Emeric and the Funk-Tones!

Emeric: Our shows could be me eating a sandwich into a microphone while you wail on a drumset! The smacking noises would be funk!

Kieran: We need to get you a purple jumpsuit. Preferrably made of velvet.

From the first Sauna of a crisp fall:

Emeric: You know, Kieran, you don't date nearly enough hot, rich chicks.

Kieran: You just want to try to steal those chicks from me by pretending to be me.

Emeric: It'd work too! Right up until they left me for Brad Pitt. Which is fair. I'd leave me for Brad Pitt. I'd be all like: "Hey, Brad Pitt! Sorry, me, you suck! Let's go make out Brad Pitt!"

The Conspiracy Ages Both Gracefully and Well!

The absence from these hallowed pages is entirely explainable. Suffice it to say, the Conspiracy has been busy. Very busy.

2008 is moving along on schedule. One Conspirator graduated from Law School. The other celebrated a birthday today. This time next year, there will be another round of birthdays and graduations. I expect any number of hilarious conversations between now and then.

Keep reading for more internet hilarity.

I Will Undoubtably Be In Trouble For This

Michael and I were discussing future plans, and Michael made a sage comment about saving vacation time. The following damning conversation resulted:

Emeric: That makes sense to me .

Michael: Good. I have mastered logic. Now onto women.

Emeric: Ha! Then you'll have to forget everything you learned about logic.

I only speak the truth.

We Know Kung Fu

Coming out of The Forbidden Kingdom (a Kung Fu movie):

Emeric: Well, if there's anything I've learned from martial arts movies, its that any problem can be solved with Kung Fu.

Kieran: Your Drunken Panda style is no match for my Steel Tiger style.

Emeric: Yeah, that's why I learned the Two-Guns style.

Kieran: That still can't stand up to my "I Took Your Bullets" style.

Emeric: Damnit, I hate that style!

It's Funny And Sad At The Same Time, Because It's True

Over the same round of drinks that spawned our earlier conversation, the following was also heard:

Emeric: I'm on edge. It's partially some things that are going on, but most of it is that I feel like I'm in a state of flux, and I've got no idea where it's all going to end up.

Kieran: Could that be because you're in a state of flux and there's no way to know where it's all going to end up?

Emeric: Yeah. That's probably it.

Graduation is an odd time.

Legends Are Born Of Great Adventures

While at Old Chicago, enjoying a drink or two, the following conversations took place:

Kieran: Do you think it'd be too much to include in my will that, when I die, I want my coffin filled with melted mozzarella?

Emeric: See, the thing about that is ... [Long Pause] Yeaaaaah.

Not too much longer:

Emeric: She knows me well. She was commenting that I would be lounging around the apartment wearing a suit with a glass of port, discussing philosophy.

Kieran: The only thing is that's wrong with that is that you would probably be talking about history.

Emeric: Yeah, but I didn't feel the need to correct her.

Kieran: Yeah, it's probably best to hide your pretensiosity. I don't know if pretensiosity is a word, but it really should be.

When we control the world, it will be!

Fish in a Barrel

"Like shooting fish in a barrel." It's a common phrase used to express utter lack of a challenge in doing something that is probably unsportsmanlike. But as a metaphor, it seems like a rather strange one. I've never heard of anyone shooting fish in a barrel nor can I imagine a purpose in it. That being said, the scientist in me is extremely tempted to conduct an experiment to determine the result of such an undertaking so as to determine both (a) the ease with which it is accomplished and (b) the result and, hopefully, hence any reason for doing so. That being said, if you see me with a barrel, a net, and a gun, please stop me.

Astrology Gets it Right

I picked up a copy of The Onion the other day. I was so amused by my horoscope I had to call Emeric, who, having the same horoscope, had just read the same passage to his dinner party. Here it is:

Cancer: It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns, and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.

While never having done that, it somehow captures a piece of the Dwyer spirit.

When you get the chance, pick up a copy of The Onion or read it online. The horoscopes are always funny, if only in a slightly inappropriate way.

Cookies

me: there was a make up class this morning

so I had to be here early

Emeric: I thought you left early

that sucksme: yep

Emeric: Well, I'll be here. Slowly plotting against you.

me: I figured

that's why I hid cookies around the apartment

Emeric: Oooh! Cookies!

me: Kieran returns to the apartment. The place is in shambles; ransacked. Emeric is standing there in his bathrobe, dirt from unpotted plants smeared over him

Emeric says quietly "There were no cookies"

Emeric: Oh, it's so much more frightening because it's true

It's What You Learned In Elementary School

While playing several games of Catan this evening, Kelly would keep rolling the dice and then announcing the results. The problem is, her results were often off by one. Six instead of seven, five instead of six, etc. etc. After multiple errors, Pat uttered the following:

Patrick: Honey, I love you, but you add like a retarted lemur.

That's evocative.

Kieran and I discovered the text-to-voice functions on our computers recently. Silliness resulted, most notably:

Kieran's Computer: Ooh, yeah! That's how I like it! Push my buttons!

This is probably the highlight of the experience. But right now, Kieran's computer is singing "Baby Got Back" and mine is doing the soliloquy from Hamlet.

A Failure In Advertising

While going through the Saturday mail, I'm often forced to sift through great piles of junk seeking out a few letters that are worth reading. The following occurred:

Emeric: [Pausing over an advertisement] Huh ... L.A. Fitness.

Because that's going to happen.

Happy Songs

Emeric(singing Radiohead's Creep as he cleans): Cause I'm aaa Creep!

Kieran(shouting from his room): Yeah you are!

Emeric(still singing but changing the lyrics) : And you're aaa weirdo!

Kieran(still shouting from his room): Yeah I am!

Sometimes Things Get A Bit Racy

Last night the Conspiracy was out to dinner. Emeric, Kieran, Andy and Rita were out at the California Pizza Kitchen when things got a bit dicey. The following conversation relies heavily upon the manner of delivery, so I'll try and give you some cues as to how things were said:

Andy: Rita discoverd Menards the other day for the first time.

Emeric: [Unsure of what was said, so latching onto something similar] Rita discovered your nards for the first time?

Andy: [Seeing a joke and running with it] It was awesome!

Emeric: This explains why Frank was up in Duluth this weekend.

We burst into howls of laughter that had the entire restaurant looking at us. Unfortunately, poor Rita didn't hear what was said earlier. I'm afraid that our explanation embarassed her and caused things to be worse.

Emeric: Ahem. Yes. So Rita discovered your nards.

Rita: Oh! That's what you said! That's dirty.

Andy: I said she discovered Menards the other day.

Rita: [Talking about what Andy said, but her delivery made it seem like she was addressing our misunderstanding] That's not fair! I've always known where that was!

We burst into laughter again and thought that an excellent line to end on.

We're Going A-Sportin'!

Don't let the snow fool you. Spring is coming to Minnesota, and the Conspiracy is ready for it.

We're ready for everything.*

*Especially zombies. We're always ready for zombies.

Channeling Douglas Adams

Over a night of games the following witty conversations occurred.

Harold: Emeric, I think you should get me gas-impact wrench.

Emeric: How does a wrench impact something?

Patrick: You throw it at someone.

Kieran: Long late-night conversations over cups of tea.

Some Monday Repartees

Monday can be a long day, and with an early start this morning, I was in need of some boosters. It helped to have some of the following converstations. To understand the first, you have to know I drove up to Pine County (near Hinckley) for some court work:

Emeric: It's north country. The people up there, they are my people.

Kieran: Dorks?

Emeric: No, North-Woodsers. The Dorks are my constituents. Or peasants. Or whatever it is Kings have these days.

The King still reigns. Afterwards, I was chatting with one of my co-workers. We were walking through the skyway and we saw a sign that advertised a "Philosophy of Dating." It was an amusing notion.

Emeric: I think I'll show up and begin discussing how Plato and Aristotle would disagree on the duality of dating.

Karin: Uh-huh.

Emeric: Sorry, that was a joke that was aimed more at philosophy majors.

Karin: Yeah, I was a philosophy major.

Emeric: Aha. Then it was a joke that was supposed to be aimed at philosophy majors.

Stating The Obvious

I've found a new way to both state the obvious and introduce Mr. Bernabo:

Emeric: This is Michael. He's scruffy-looking, but I don't think he's dangerous.

Good Night, Sweet DM, And A Flight Of Archons Sing Thee To Thy Rest ...

It's been well covered in the news, but Gary Gygax shuffled off this mortal coil today. The Conspiracy salutes and mourns this geeky pioneer, who with his vision has given nerds something to do for the past thirty years. Here is our tribute (with apologies to the Killers):

You sit there in your basement,
Waiting on some beautiful elf
To save you from your orc foes.
You play for hours,
Watching him go
There he goes.

He only looks a bit like Gandulf,
But he runs a game like Tolkien,
Like you remember from when
You were young.

Can you delve this dungeon, we don't know
High levels than ever before,
You know you can make it if you cast those spells
That's working hard, harder now, in the Nine Hells.

We're burning down the Keep on the Borderlands,
Back into the Abyss with Portals,
Like when you were young, when you were young.

Goodbye, Mr. Gygax.

On the Fridge

Pursuant to our nature, Emeric and I were discussing some of the finer nuances of trade secret law. Towards the end of our debate, I acknowledged Emeric's point but noted that I believed it was a stretch of the law and that a case on point was at the fringe of the law. The following digression ensued.

Kieran: but I think its more on the fringe

Emeric: In the fridge?!

Oh ... the fringe

sorry, I got excited

Kieran: I apologize, I forgot our policy on not using that word for that reason

Emeric: It's ok ... it' s ok

I found cake!

Cabin Fever

On a Sunday morning, Emeric bursts from his room sing a Killers song terribly off key.

Emeric: But he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when youuuuuuu weeeerre yoooo-ung - [coughs] - nope, can't hit that last note.

Kieran: Uh, actually you didn't hit any of them.

After a late night Sauna, Emeric and I hit up Perkins for shakes.

Emeric: If our waiter doesn't show up soon I suggest we start throwing things.

Kieran (dryly): If the couple behind you don't stop gazing at each other I'm gonna start whipping creamer containers at them.

Emeric: Oh, leave them alone.

Looking over his shoulder at the couple, who were gazing at each other lovingly.

Emeric (digustedly): Poke holes in the creamerbefore you throw them.

It's A Matter of Being Hip

I was conversing with my sister yesterday, and the conversation turned toward living in Uptown. More specifically, whether Kieran and I were hip enough to live in Uptown.

Emeric: I think we can fake the hipness. I can toussle my hair.

Erin: Yeah, all you have to do is talk about Indie music! Make up names for bands! Like Cucumber Interchange and Babies on Parade.

Emeric: Indie music is the ticket! We just need to convince people that we listen to Indie music, but do it ironically.

Kieran: That's not hard. I listen to Indian music all the time.

I'm pretty sure Kieran's contribution was meant to be humorous, but we can't be sure. It would explain all the sitars and screaming you hear in his room.

The Biting Wit Of The New Year

We've been absent from these hallowed halls as of late, not because of waning interest in the Conspiracy but rather an absence of hilarious interchange or telling pictures. But no more!

Emeric: I'll be going out with Andy and Rita. They've got a baby-sitter for Frank, so I think they want to get out and see a movie.

Kieran: But if Frank comes along, you won't be a third wheel! BURN!

Emeric: That's not a burn. - - Wait, yes, yes it is.

Kieran: Delayed Burn!


During a discussion of the appeal of men in tool belts to women:

Brianna: Men with tool belts are hot. I love tools.

Emeric: So that's why you're dating Kieran?

Burn back atcha!

Happy New Year from the Conspiracy!