Wasting Away In Margaritaville, Absent A Pitcher of Salt

At what is fast becoming a regular dinner at the St. Claire Broiler:

Kieran: I'm really looking forward to starting up the job.

Emeric: I bet. Just remember, as much as your work will distinguish you as a lawyer, so will your personality. [Beat] I should start wearing hawaiian shirts.

Shortly thereafter, the topic was spiralling out of control while discussing Buffet-Lawyers.

Kieran: You know, Mike could pull off the Buffet-Look, if he wore it confidently.

Emeric: Yeah, and wore flip-flops.

Kieran: I mean, he has some loud shirts that he wears now.

Emeric: Yeah, they're a dab of pink away from attracting Land Sharks.

Bad-dum. Bad-dum.

To Mexico! And Freedom!

There's a long standing escape plan set up for the Conspiracy. For purposes. We had a test run today.

Kieran: Lookfor a short heavy set Mexican man. He's got papers and a ticket for you. Your new name is James Edwards Swinton. You're an oil investor. Don't do the There Will Be Blood thing.

Emeric: But - but -I'm an Oil Man.

Kieran: No, you're fleeing from FBI, undercover as an oil man.

Emeric: But this is my son!

Kieran: We're already in enough trouble as it is, we don't need to add whatever it is you're about to do to the list.

Emeric: I'VE ABANDONED MY BOY! I'VE ABANDONED MY FAMILY!

Kieran: Your story has changed. Your an invester speculating in cattle futures. Make all the cattleman jokes you want.

It's good we ran a test.

The Ups and Downs of Being a Bluegrass Fan

Kieran: dammit, why is it that whenever Trampled by Turtles comes into town, I have something going on? Don't they realize their fans lead busy lives and they need to do more than one show at at time?

Emeric: When are they in town?

Kieran: Friday

not that I am complaining about my plans for Friday mind you

Emeric: Yeaaaaaah

Kieran: but I would like to see Trampled by Turtles at some point

Emeric: Well, their concerts are full of hippies and "twirl dancers."

So we could really just put one some of their music, invite a few of Erin's friends over, had have someone start smoking pot. That's kind of the same.

Please Send More Antiseptic

Kieran: AH! BADGERS!

Emeric: We need snakes!

AH! COBRAS!

Kieran: AH! RABID MONGOOSE!

Emeric: This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with OH GOD THE BITING!

Kieran: There's just not enough antiseptic

Emeric: Bactine bath it is.

Frosty Conversations For Fall

Preparing for a day hike, the Conspiracy set into some oatmeal for breakfast. The following ensued:

Kieran: The thing about having oatmeal for breakfast is now I'm not going to be hungry until dinner time tonight.

Emeric: [Nonchalantly] Yeah.

[A pause in which both look about furtively.]

Kieran: Order a pizza?

Emeric: Yeaaaaaah.

A few nights prior, the Conspiracy was at the St. Claire Broiler with Harold and Phil.

Harold: My cell phone is larger than your two cell-phones combined!

Kieran: Compensating for something?

Harold: Yeah. My car is really small.

Finally, while driving about I made a discovery of - epic proportions.

Emeric: There's a Grand Old Creamery four blocks from our house!? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Kieran: I was trying to save you from yourself.

Emeric: [Knowingly] Yeaaaah you were.

I'm going to gain a bit of weight, I imagine.

Recently, in the Man-Cave, watching Spider-Man 2.

Emeric: Damn it, Kieran! Why don't babes flock to me?

Kieran: Because you're not Spider-Man.

Emeric: [With shifty eyes] Noooooo. Of course not.

Kieran: We've been over this. Just because you have the costume doesn't mean you're Spider-Man.

Emeric: [With shifty eyes] Noooooo. Of course not.

Kieran: And while we're on the subject, if you're gonna keep wearing that costume, you've gotta buff back up.

Earlier, also in the Man-Cave, while browsing the Netflix Instant Play options:

Emerson: Ah, Southland Tales. That's a great movie. You guys should watch that. When I'm not here.

Careful What You Wish For

While walking into the Metrodome, a very large, bald man rides by on a motorcycle.

Michael: Just what I always wanted to be, a fat bald guy on a motorcycle.

Kieran: So you want a motorcycle?

Michael: I really should have seen that coming.

Not to be Trusted

While searching through Netflix videos.

Emerson: Hey, Southland Tales. That's a good movie. You guys should watch it, sometime when I'm not around.

Retreat! And Then Advance!

Our secret lair having been breached, the Conspiracy has undertook the lengthy process of moving. The following occurred when a frisbee was discovered deep in a closet:

Kieran: Whose is this?

Emeric: I have no idea. It's yours.

Kieran: [Acquiescing happily] Ok! [Emeric gives him the frisbee].

Emeric: Wait, no, my dad gave me this. It's mine. [Emeric immediately takes the frisbee back].

We call it Dwyer Giving.

It's a Danger to Be In Public with Us

While seeing Harry Potter . . .

Screen: In the case of a fire: walk, don't run, to the nearest exit.

Kieran: Nuts to that, if there's a fire, I'm the first one outta here.

Emeric: I'll be right behind you. And I'll lock the doors afterward!

Earlier in the day.

Emeric: I've just been in a cranky mood all day. . . I'm going to go play in traffic.

Kieran hits the car doors unlock button.

Alph The Sacred What-Now?

We've been out, being goofy lately.

Emeric: Don't worry about a big dinner tonight, I think I'm just gonna have hot dogs.

Kieran: Then why did I slave over these Cornish Game Hens for hours?!

Emeric: We - don't have Cornish Game Hens.

Kieran: Then what did I prepare?

Emeric: I don't know, but I'm suddenly worried about my Guineau Pigs.

Kieran:That would explain why they took so long to pluck.

Doesn't mean they weren't tasty.

Another Day, Another Game Of Bizarre Trivia

While at the cottage last weekend, we set into an epic of game of Trivial Pursuit. The classic edition. The edition where the entertainment questions make no sense. The edition where the USSR is still a viable answer to modern questions. The edition that was made before any of us were born. The following ensued:

Kieran: What country claims Rubens, Van Dike, and Brugle as citizens.
Emeric: Uh - [Long Pause] - Holland?
Kieran: Belgium.
Emeric: Ok. Who are these people?
Kieran: Belgians, apparently.

Later.

Michael: Which Canadain provence was named after a daughter of Queen Victoria?
Kieran: I always thought it was Prince Edward Island.

Shortly thereafter, Kieran had moved to square and Michael was confirming what the color was.

Michael: Kieran, yellow?
Kieran: [Growling] Are you calling me yella?
Emeric: Not two turns into Trivial Pursuit and Kieran is already starting fights.

Don't worry. We're smart guys. We got most of the questions.

Emeric: What are Cherubim and Seraphim?
Michael: Angels?
Emeric: Yes.
Emeric and Kieran: [simultaneously] Technically choirs of angels.
Emeric: We are such nerds!
Kieran: Nerds! NERDS!

And finally, the bad humor you've come to expect from us all!

Kieran: What's a turkey in bowling?
Emeric: Three strikes in a row.
Kieran: Out of it's element!

It was just that bad.

What Happened to the Hotdogs?

Emeric: Do you mind if I turn on the radio?

Kieran: Nope.

Emeric: Do you mind if I dance around like a monkey to it.

Kieran: Not as long as you do it behind me.

Loud thumping is heard. Kieran did not turn around.

While listening to a bit on MPR where vegetarians talk about why people think vegetarians are pushy.

Kieran: Emeric, why are you so pushy about being a vegetarian.

Emeric: BECAUSE YOU ATE ALL MY GODDAMN HOTDOGS!

That solves that.

We Burn Easily

Emeric: If we're gonna hit the swimming pool, we better put on some sunscreen.

Kieran: But how will we get tan?

Emeric: We'll I don't know about tan, but you're already looking a little red.

Kieran: That's because I put blush on my chest, it emphasizes my pectorals.

Emeric - Shuts door.

Apparently We Think Of Our Best Work In Saunas And Pools

After eating a homemade dinner of jerk chicken.

Kieran: Did you know that eating Cayenne pepper increases your body temperature and burns calories?

Emeric: Is that why you used a metric ton of Cayenne pepper?

Kieran: Yeah, the online recipe actually called for it. Add "one metric ton of Cayenne pepper."

Emeric: Was there a button on the website? Click here for a metric ton of Cayenne pepper? We'll drive a truck of it up to your door?

Kieran: The physics of it actually works out so it fits into a pound of chicken. The heat makes it possible.

Spicy!

Then later, while swimming in the pool.

Kieran: [Lounging backwards] Come get me when it's time for the bar exam. I'm just going to wing it.

Emeric: He stumbled into the bar exam wearing only a bleached white swim suit. He was wrinkled, pruned beyond belief and badly sunburned, malnourished yet surprisingly strong. He sloshed to his seat, leaving a trail of water behind him. For the essay portion, he picked up his pen, wrote one word in the blue book, and then sloshed out of the room. He passed with perfect marks. Some say that the pool where he spent his summer still whispers that word in each lapping wave.

And finally, also while swimming in the pool.

Kieran: [Discussing swimming for the first time in a year] You don't really forget how to swim, but you do forget your form. You need to relearn your form.

Emeric: I've never had to worry about form. [He strikes a pose.] Look at this form. It's not about function. It's about aesthetics. [A long pause occurs.] Like a Studebaker.

It's surprisingly apt.

Think Carefully - Of All The People You've Known, Who Would Have Cause To Do You In?

Kieran leaves the room while a Sketchers commercial is playing. He fixes himself a bowl of cereal. As he returns to the room, the same Sketchers commercial is playing - yet again.

Kieran: Wasn't this commercial just on?

Emeric: [Throwing down his computer, leaping to his feet, and running for the bedrooms in a panicked state] The Matrix has reset itself! Get your guns!

You've Only Got So Much Room - Don't Be A Hero

At a friend to the Conspiracy's Wedding, I felt the need to whisper a few comments to Tim R., whose wedding was coming up. I was mostly offering suggestions on his own ceremony. They were not well recieved.

Emeric: [Whispered] You know, you should have an acrobat be your ring bearer. It will keep up with the street performer theme.

Tim: [Whispered, forcefully] You idiot! That's not the theme! I don't know why you think that!

I think it'd be a great theme, but I'm not holding out hope.

Earlier today, I was starting to go a bit stir-crazy at the office. I signed on to G-Chat and the following ensued. Please note that this was pretty much the whole of the conversation. Once it was over, I signed off and leapt back to work.

Emeric: I hate answering discovery requests. Nothing adds up. Nothing makes sense! All work and no play! Go Crazy?!

Patrick: Don't mind if you do?

Emeric: DON'T MIND IF I DO!!

That's surprisingly relaxing.

You Don't Own Beer - You Replevin It!

While coming up with names for a beer.

Emeric: Replevin Beer!

Kieran: That's a good name. Trover could work too.

Emeric: No one wants to drink that. It sounds too much like Trevor. Guys named Trevor don't make good beer.

Kieran: It sounds like "Treasure!"

Emeric: That's kind of fruity.

Kieran: Oh yeah? Fruity like Captain Kidd?

Emeric: Fruity like being stuck on a ship for months at end with a bunch of dirty sailors? Yes. That kind of Fruity.

Balding is Good In Some Cases

Emerson: now I'm watching Striking Distance

kierandwyer: yeah, good old Bruce Willis

Emerson: indeed

kierandwyer: reminding men everywhere that you can still kick ass after you lose your hair

and it might even help you act

Emerson: haha inversely proportional

kierandwyer: quick, if we shave our heads we might be able to become Shakespearean actors

And the Joke Continues

Emeric: Oh, we need to go to the costume shop and get you that Spock costume.

Kieran, pausing, looking back and forth: I can't chose, I'm close to both the swords and the guns.

Emeric: No, no, it'll work well on the slamming hotties from the Star Trek convention.

Kieran: Look, we've discussed this . . .

Emeric: They were real dammit.

Scientific Integrity

Discussing a numerical model Kieran et al. had developed to describe dating:

Kieran: And the model accurately replicated the results from the available sample groups.

Emeric: Yes, but you can manipulate the inputs.

Kieran: Of course we manipulated the inputs! What do you think were are - Unbiased?

Sometimes We Just Can't Win

After a legal dinner and awards ceremony where we spent most of the evening introducing each other as "my cousin" in a desperate attempt to let people know we are not a couple:

Kieran: The next time we come to one of these things, we are both bringing dates.

Agreed.

Res Ipsa Loquitur

While watching TV, Emeric was sprawled out on the couch.

Emeric: I have theory . . . I should lie down.

Kieran: Aren't you virtually lying down right now. I mean, all that separates you from being completely prone is a slight slope.

Emeric: I have a new theory . . . you should shut the hell up.

While discussing present endeavours:

Emeric: I just don't want to be mediocre at it.

Michael: Name one thing you're mediocre at.

A slight pause in which Emeric opens his mouth and raises a finger.

Michael: EXCEPT being humble.

Emeric: Damn.

We Really Keep Each Other In Line

While watching some television shows with a maritime theme, the following occurred:

Emeric: You know, it's not too late to become marine biologists.

Kieran: [Matter of factly] Yes it is.

An awkward pause ensued.

We Think Of Our Finest Material Here

The Conspiracy took a Sauna recently. I apologize for nothing.

Kieran: My Maserati brings all the girls to the yard, and damn right, it's better than yours, and damn right, it's better than yours. I'd give you a ride but I'd have to charge.

Emeric: [As Daniel Day Lewis] I drive your Maserati! I drive it away!!

My Daniel Day Lewis is kind of gravelly. This lead us to mimicing a bunch of gravelly voiced movie-characters. It's fast becoming a tradition to rework famous song and movie quotes about a Sauna. Launching into a rendition of 300.

Emeric: [As the Emissary] Steam and water, King, that's all we ask.
[As Leonidis] Steam and water - you'll find plenty in there.
[As the Emissary] This is madness!
[Leonidis] Madness? [Pause] THIS IS A SAUNA!!

It went downhill from there.

Kieran: [As Batman] You either sauna as a hero or sit outside long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things because I don't like sauna, like Dent. I dumped cold water on those people. That's what I can be.

Emeric: [As Rohrsach] This city is filthy. I was out walking the streets. I saw a towel in the alley today. It was bunched up in the corner, covered in mildew. The people are too hot. They cry out for relief. This city is filthy, and I am the sudden burst of cold water on hot rocks to wipe them clean.

We're now working on a short play in which Batman and Rohrsach drive around talking to each other. It'll open on Broadway soon.

By Comparison

Matt, upon hearing Emeric discussing Star Trek extensively.

Matt: Kieran, I now understand why you hang with Emeric. It brings a new dimension to the nerdy scale. Kinda like why people hang out with fat chicks.

He does like Star Trek, but it's probably not that bad.

Don't Read Too Much Into This

On seeing a picture of Kieran's brother, whom is generally considered to be gorgeous:

Matt: What did you get? The short end of the gene pool stick? It's like Twins the movie!

Seriously, Kieran's good looking. His brother just happens to be - well, gorgeous.

Fashion Is Not Our Forte

During a brief discussion on fashion at the St. Paul Dwyer household - the following ensued:

Emeric: My socks don't match my jeans.

Kieran:  Socks aren't supposed to match jeans.

Emeric: Then why did I buy denim socks?!

Kieran: That's the gayest redneck thing I've ever heard.

And it probably is.

The Conspiracy Wants your Opinion

The Conspiracy Want your Opinion! See the poll on the right.

Rare is the opportunity when the Conspiracy actually looks for input. Take advantage of this amazing offer now and participate in our participation poll!

Limited time offer. No refunds.

A Worrysome Development

Sometimes we are not privy to the same schemes.

Emeric: I wonder if Craiglist is going to be liable for all the prostitutes who are advertising on their site.

Kieran: I - I don't know what you're talking about.

[A brief pause]

Emeric: You do know something about this, don't you?

Kieran: No. But if you get a call asking for "Big Dave," just play along. You like motorcycle rides, lite beer, and just hanging out. Doing whatever.

Uh oh.

And Now A Joke Only Lawyer-Types Get

We make lawyer jokes from time to time. This is one of them.

Kieran: You could always go work for [Company Redacted] as in-house counsel.

Emeric: They wouldn't be that much fun to work for, and would the impossible.

Kieran: [Imagining a conversation] "Well, sir, we could both do that. But we would both end up in jail."

Emeric: "You want me to skimp on what now? To the SEC?"

Kieran: "Sarbanes-Oxley requires me to beat you with this memorandum."

Emeric: "This is called a noisy withdrawal." [Begins making motions as if attacking someone with a piece of paper.] "NO! NO! NO! NO!"

The SEC will thank us later.

We Mangle Music A Lot

I know I just posted another one about music, but this seems appropriate. I occasionaly greet my friends with non-sequiter song lyrics. When they're trained improv actors, the results can be - hilarious?

Emeric: So, the waitress is practicing politics.

Andrew: And the carnival smells like a beer! And the navy is taking all my bread.

Emeric: But John's in your Jar! And he's saying that when he was a young man he could get out of there! Don't forget making love to the real esate novelist.

Andrew: Eric Clapton is rolling over in his grave.

It's the ending that sells that one. If you don't get it, it'd take too long to explain. Of course, not all conversations begin that way. Sometimes it's as simple as a new career path.

Kieran: Natalie and I have decided to become novelists

Emeric: Oh?

Kieran: I'm going to be spending a lot of time in the apartment awake in the middle of the night drinking bourbon and smoking, just so you have a heads up.

Emeric: Much appreciated. Can I be one too? I'll grow a beard and wear button down sweaters and dwell excessively on grammar.

Kieran: Excellent.

It will only end well.

On Healthy Reactions To Bad News

A friend of the Conspiracy recently got some bad news. Not world ending news; not life changing news; just plain ol' bad news. We were commiserating over it, when the following occurred.

Emeric: Yeah, s/he's not happy.

Kieran: I wouldn't be either.

Emeric: I disagree. I think you'd be happy. Trigger-happy, to be specific.

Break bad news gently.

It's Another Killer(s) Joke

Really, we don't like the Killers that much. This just happens sometimes.

Emeric: So, I hear you're sitting there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

Andrew: Holy Guacamole! I didn't want THAT to get out!

Emeric: This is what you get for telling The Killers your problem.

It's Dark And We're Wearing Sunglasses!

Mr. Bernabo was kind enough to retrieve me from the airport last evening. Eager to get home, and caught in the middle of airport traffic, I leapt into his vehicle and the following ensured:

Emeric: Kick it! [This means go fast- ed.]

Michael: Seat belt.

Emeric: It'll be on! Kick it!!

[The car does not move. Emeric attempts to put on his seatbelt repeatedly. It is locked into place. After several tries, Emeric is forced to engage in a lengthy process to unlock it and finally buckles his seatbelt.]

Emeric: Now: KICK IT!

And away we went. Smooth it was not.

For Open Discussion

The Conspiracy has a question which it would like your input on:

If meat is murder, is it murder with malice aforethought or mastication aforethought?

Eightfold Path to Bernaboism

Mr. Bernabo buzzes at our door.

Kieran, hitting the intercom: Hello?

Mike: Hey, it's Mike

Kieran: Before entering you must state the eight elements of the Eightfold Path to Buddhism

Mike: I don't know the Eight steps.

Kieran: Mike, this is a place of enlightenment, you must state the Eight elements of the path to gain entry.

Mike: Uh . . . baldness, celibacy, frugality, and uh . . .?

Kieran: Mike, those aren't the eight steps. You're just describing yourself.

To Speak To The Masses, We'll Need A Soap Box

Kieran and I were discussing what turned out to be a very slow Mardi Gras and our imminent lenten vows.

Emeric: So what are you giving up?

Kieran: Well, beef.

[Emeric's face drops, and he becomes despondent.]

Emeric: But - it's what's for dinner!

I fell for that ad campaign hook, line and sinker.

For those who don't know, I mantain a running feud with a Dr. A. Miesner. He's my nemesis. I'm his nemesis. We're nemesises - nemesai - whatever the appropriate plural is. And it came up through an e-mail conversation with several mutual friends that I was the evil nemesis. I can honestly say, this thought had never crossed my mind. I was somewhat shocked by the discovery, and inquired of several others their thoughts. The responses are telling.

Emeric: Sadly, it never occurred to me I was the evil one.

Keri: WHAT? Seriously? I've always thought of you as slightly sinister. I mean, how could Miesner be the evil one? He's a doctor. you're a lawyer. Pretty obvious.

Simultaneously . . .

Emeric: It never occurred to me that I was the evil one.

Amanda: Really? You are so totally evil.

How well my friends know me!

That's Dangerous

Cousin Kelly, on planning out her in-laws' 35th Wedding Anniversary, was looking for some assistance with the party. Knowing our reputation for cake-cutting, she instead turned to us with a subject on which we are quite knowledgeable: Wine.

Kelly: Can you boys help with the wine for the party? Make sure bottles are open and there's enough on the table?

[Glances are exchanged]

Kieran: Do you have any Hen-Houses you would like us to watch while we're at it?

Beware the cook

Emeric, cooking: Step two, don't screw this up.

Kieran: But isn't step three screw it up?

Emeric: Oooh, yeaaah, this cookbook wasn't well written.

Spit Shined Shoes

Kieran, holding up a pan: So it turns out tomato sauce cleans copper pans.

Emeric: Huh, that's weird.

Kieran: Well, I think tomatoes are acidic so it might make sense.

Emeric: So is human saliva, but we don't see people cleaning things with spit.

Kieran: Where do you think the term "spit shined" comes from?

Emeric: Uh, I don't want you to shine my shoes anymore.

Kieran: I haven't been shining your shoes . . . who the hell's been shining your shoes?

Don't Turn Your Back On These Guys

And now: Vignettes!

While engaged in grocery shopping (which regular readers know is a time-consuming and dangerous endeavor for the Conspiracy):

Emeric: We need more peanut butter.

Kieran: Is this the kind that gives you Salmonella?

Emeric: They have Salmonella in peanut butter now?

Kieran: Eh, it's worth the risk. Skippy is delicious.

And then, a few aisles later:

Emeric: Hey, we should get some cereal. But you don't like Life (tm).

Kieran: I love life! I say that all the time.

Emeric: Whenever I ask you, you say you hate Life (tm) cereal.

Kieran: Oh. I do hate Life (tm) cereal. You need to be clearer.

A few days later, enjoying a goofy dinner and discussing workout techniques:

Kieran: Whenever I want a good upper-body workout, I go swimming.

Emeric: I would do that, but I look awkward swimming laps. Kids would ask "Mommy, who is that man slowly drowning while drifting left in the pool?"

Stars of Stage and Screen

I recieved a fortune cookie with my dinner this evening, it read: "Expand your horizons by reading a new book."

Emeric: Well, thank you LeVar Burton! I didn't realize you had left television to go write fortune cookies!

See, I read a lot. So that fortune cookie is kind of like saying "Bathe Daily!" Then Rita was telling us about dessert:

Rita: We're having turtle cookies!

Michael: Are they endangered turtle cookies?

Emeric: Ooh! Let's eat them when they crawl up on shore to lay their eggs!

Earlier, Patrick and I were conversing over Instant Messenger. Our thoughts had turned a mite treasonous.

Patrick: The revolution will be catered?

Emeric: Oh, excellent. I do enjoy catered revolutions.

Patrick: Yeah, we sparred no expense.

Emeric: Frankly, if the revolution isn't going to be catered, I'm not that interested.

Patrick: The downfall of the western world better have then best goddamned pasta bar I've ever seen, or I'm outta here.